“That was like taking a bullet”
So I have been cleaning up my apt. Giving it a DEEP cleaning. Its like a rejuvenating spa day for my apt. But this brings up more than a few problems…
1) It has to get uber messy before it starts to look better.
2) Trash bags everywhere.
3) (and the most devastating one) I have found several things from my past that Im pretty sure I burried for a reason. Love letters, photographs, even post-its, even something as simple as an invoice… All things from a long time ago that really knocked me over the head with nostalgia. And not in a good way. Tears welled up in my eyes as well as my heart. I again felt the pain, both physically and emotionally, that had caused me to burry these things to begin with. I felt lost again. I felt so alone. I felt far from myself. I felt the burn of the past on my heart. I felt anger and resentment and pity.
Im sure you are all thinking “Well, god Hannah, what did you do?”
I put it all back.
I guess I could have thrown it away, but it was a part of me that made me who I was now, I wasnt ready to get rid of that part of me yet. I wasnt ready to let go of something that had clearly been that important to me.
Im sure I’ll run into it again, and maybe then, maybe I’ll be ready to put it away for good then. For now, though, I like to keep that bit of who I was. And use it as a reminder of who I am.
